It's been a while
by carby101
Summary: B Abby is pregnant and Carter has left her. Serious angst. from Abby's POV please R&R Was R, edited out swearing and now is PG-13. V. depressing. A second chapter has been written
1. Abby

Authors note: The song is It's been a While by Staind. This was rated R for swearing, but I decided to edit out the swearing and post it up as a PG-13. It contains some slightly mature content. Please R&R  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
It's been a while  
  
Since I could hold my head up high  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
  
It's been a while since he left me. At first I couldn't believe it, I wouldn't let myself. He told me that it wasn't working, that he couldn't deal with everything. I think that he was just scared, scared of being happy for once in his life. So he left, he left me, he left the ER he packed his bags and went.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
And it's been a while  
  
Since I first saw you  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
  
I couldn't sleep, I couldn't breathe, I sat at home for a week thinking, screw you Carter, screw you. I went back to work, but it wasn't me. Outside I looked like I was over him, inside I was hollow.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
And it's been a while  
  
Since I could stand on my own two feet again  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
He sent me a letter, abut a month after he left, saying how sorry he was and he gave me his address and telephone number in case I needed to contact him for some reason. I kept the letter with me at all times. Just knowing that if needed to I could call him and hear his voice comforted me, it stopped me from falling apart.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
And it's been a while  
  
Since I could call you  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
When I found out that I was pregnant the first thing I thought of doing was calling him, telling him. I knew John, he would come back. But I didn't want him to come back because I was going to have his baby, I wanted him to come back for me, only me. I told the people at the ER and made them promise not to tell him. Everyone was happy for me, at least happier for me than I was. I could have had an abortion, but I couldn't get rid of his child. At least this way I would have a piece of him forever.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
And everything I can't remember  
  
As ****** up as it all may seem  
  
The consequences that I've rendered  
  
I've stretched myself beyond my means  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I wasn't exactly the perfect pregnant woman. I found it hard to deal with things, just getting up in the morning didn't seem worth it. At times I wanted to go to sleep and stay that way, I even bought some pills for overdose. I couldn't do it. I was too scared to even kill myself. I had become everything I had hated, my mother had tried killing herself so many times and I had always thought of how selfish that made her, how she couldn't care about anyone to even think of killing herself. Now I know how it feels, not wanting to live but being too scared to die. To make things easier I started drinking again. Saying started drinking is a lie. I had been drinking for a long time, I was just too ashamed to admit it to myself.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
And it's been awhile  
  
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The hardest thing about being pregnant was dealing with it alone. If I threw up I had to call in sick for myself, if I had a craving for some ice- cream I had to go out to the store and get it for myself. People tried to help, but I wouldn't let them. Luka tried to help me, but I pushed him away, angry at him for trying to take John's place. I didn't want anyone to take his place, ever. I loved him, he made all the bad things go away and he made me feel as though I was worth something. He left and now I know that I'm worth nothing. Everyday I would get up and look in the mirror to see a stranger looking back at me.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
And it's been a while  
  
Since I can say I love myself as well  
  
Since I've gone and ***** things up just like I always do  
  
And it's been a while  
  
But all that **** seems to disappear when I'm with you  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~**~*~~*~**~*~~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I'm at the hospital, my water broke this morning. People around me are excited, it feels awful, I have been so cruel to them and yet they still care. They're saying that I'm dilated ten centimetres and that I have to push. So I push and it hurts like hell. I don't shout out or crush anyone's hand because there's no one there. I stay quiet and push and push and push AND PUSH. Then it's over, the pain's gone. I want to see my baby, I don't hear any crying. They tell me that I can't see her, they tell me that she's very sick. I wait and then they're talking to me, saying she died. I don't want to listen, but I do. They tell me that she died of foetal alcohol syndrome, it made her heart weak. I drank alcohol and it killed my baby. I killed my baby. I drank to get rid of the pain but it's just brought more.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
And everything I can't remember  
  
As ****** up as it all may seem  
  
The consequences that I've rendered  
  
I've gone and ****** things up again  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
It's later now and I'm alone in a dull hospital room. The walls are blank and white. I wonder if this is where they put the women who kill their babies. Most people who kill their baby would go to prison, prison sounds like the good option, compared to this blank, emotionless bottomless pit that I've fallen into. It hurts not to be able to feel anything. I had visitors earlier, people from the ER telling me not to worry and now they're gone. I reach into my purse and pull out the letter. I see the phone beside my bed, taunting me. I pick it up and dial the number. I hear ringing and then I hear him. I don't say anything but I think he knows that it's me. I force myself to talk to him, I tell him that it's me. I tell him what happened, with the baby and I start to cry. I haven't cried since he left me and he tells me that it's okay, he tells me that he'll be here soon. I hang up and he's calmed me down. I reach into my purse again and pull out some pills. I kept them there for emergencies. I put all of the pills in the pack into my mouth and swallow them down in one gulp. So this is what I've come to, suicide. Like mother, like daughter. I don't know why I'm doing it, he'll be here soon. I just want it to be over. I feel myself slip away, painlessly. The world starts to fade and I hear people running into the room. They work on me and then I hear his voice. He's crying, I'm sorry, really sorry for hurting him and making him cry. The voices fade and everything goes blank. I'm at peace at last. The peace is beautiful, the silence sings. I'm happy.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Why must I feel this way?  
  
Just make this go away  
  
Just one more peaceful day!  
  
  
  
And it's been awhile  
  
Since I could look at myself straight  
  
And it's been a while  
  
Since I said I'm sorry  
  
And it's been a while  
  
Since I've seen the way the candle lights your face  
  
And it's been awhile  
  
But I can still remember just the way you taste  
  
  
  
And everything I can't remember  
  
As ****** up as it all may seem to be I know it's me  
  
I cannot blame this on my father  
  
He did the best he could for me  
  
  
  
And it's been awhile  
  
Since I could hold my head up high  
  
And it's been awhile  
  
Since I said I'm sorry  
  
  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
  
Authors note2: Can I just say that I do not in any way condone alcohol abuse or suicide. I would have said that at the beginning but it would've kinda spoiled the ending. 


	2. Nell

A/N-I wasn't planning on writing another chapter for this fic, but I got bored so here I am. This chapter is from the POV of a nurse called Nell, who works on the recovery ward, where Abby is after being brought up from the ER. The song is killing me softly, originally sung by Roberta Flack, a song I've become a little obsessed with lately. It's a beautiful song! The bits in brackets are flashbacks. As always, please R&R, here goes nothing.........  
  
Today a woman was brought up from the ER, she's a nurse.....like me and she's in her mid-thirties........like me. Her boyfriend left her pregnant and alone, so she turned to the bottle for cold comfort and that was exactly what she got, her problems went away for a while, but she killed her baby. Foetal alcohol syndrome, I see it all the time, but this case was especially bad. It feels stupid that seeing something like that can feel as heartbreaking as having to tell a young boy that his mum is dead.  
  
The similarities between us are frightening, we're both nurses in our thirties and we're both reformed alcoholics. She's one of those people I've seen in the meetings, but never bothered to talk to. If I was left alone like her, I would probably turn back to the bottle.  
  
She's just been lying in her bed for ages, not moving, just staring at the walls. I can imagine how she feels and as much as I would love to go in and talk to her, I'm afraid to. I go to the lounge, where I go to sit down on the couch and turn on the radio. A song floats out of it, bouncing off the whitewashed walls and hanging eerily in the air. I lean my head back and listen to the words of the song, letting the words merge together and invade my thoughts. I don't want to think about anything, I just listen to the music.  
  
*** I heard he sang a good song  
  
I heard he had a style  
  
And so I came to see him  
  
To listen for a while  
  
And there he was this young boy  
  
A stranger to my eyes  
  
***  
  
I don't really know the song, but I find myself singing along. My voice is actually surprisingly good, I wanted to be a singer, I wanted to make music, but my parents pushed me through med-school and here I am. At times I think that I could have been much more, at times I wonder what could have been, no doubt I'm happy right now, I like making people better. I don't think that often about what I could have been, but sometimes I wonder if I would have started drinking like I did if my life wasn't like this. I'm interrupted from my thoughts when another nurse, Anna, walks in.  
  
'Hi Nell,' she says to me, 'on your break?'  
  
'Yeah, thank god.' Anna is a good person, I guess I would even call her friend of mine. She starts to sing along with the radio, mutilating a perfectly good song.  
  
***  
  
Strumming my pain with his fingers  
  
Singing my life with his words  
  
Killing me softly with his song  
  
Killing me softly with his song  
  
Telling my whole life with his words  
  
Killing me softly with his song  
  
***  
  
I try to think of something to say, to make her stop singing.  
  
'You like the song?' I ask her and thankfully she stops singing and responds,  
  
'Story of my life Nell, story of my life,'  
  
'Really?' I curse her silently, how can a song like that be the story of someone's life. I think I'm just in a bad mood, I get up to go and she asks me,  
  
'Nell? Where are you going?'  
  
'Oh, better get back to work,' I say, lying through my teeth,  
  
'Have fun,' she says as a goodbye.  
  
I'm sick of it, I'm sick of having to make do. I couldn't be a doctor, so I had to make do with being a nurse, I don't have brilliant friends, so I have to make do with people like Anna. Drake isn't wonderful, he keeps me company, he makes me laugh, but he doesn't sweep me off my feet. I'm a romantic, I want to be swept off my feet, I want to be loved properly.  
  
An image imprinted in my mind is the day I drank too much and ended up in hospital. My parents came to see me and the way they talk to me, looked at me, as good as killed me. As a young teenager I dreamt of being a singer, I dreamt of singing for people, I dreamt of being romanced by my rock star boyfriend, none of that happened and here I am, having to make do.  
  
I go into the room of that poor nurse, her name's Abby and she won't talk to me. I say all the usual things, I ask how she is, I ask if she needs anything. She isn't even crying, she's just lying there. I leave her there and after a while when I come back she's asleep. I watch her, thinking about that day when it was me in her place,  
  
  
  
('I can't believe you Nell,'  
  
'After everything your father and I have been through'  
  
'How careless of you,'  
  
'I was in an important people,'  
  
'Imagine what the people in the church will say,'  
  
The knife in my hands, but I'm scared to use it. I drop it and it falls to the ground with a clatter. What have I got to live for? Why do I feel like this?)  
  
  
  
  
  
Her chest rises and falls steadily, she begins to wake and when she does, she looks at me and my teary eyes and says,  
  
'You've been here before, haven't you?'  
  
I know what she means and I'm ashamed to admit it. She can see into my soul and in a few words she's torn away everything I've tried to build up. My walls have fallen down and now everyone can see me for what I am. Nothing.  
  
***  
  
I felt all flushed with fever  
  
Embarrassed by the crowd  
  
I felt he found my letters  
  
And read each one out loud  
  
I prayed that he would finish  
  
But he just kept right on  
  
***  
  
I leave the room in a hurry, trying to hide the tears. I wipe vigorously at my eyes, I don't want anyone to see me. I'm afraid.  
  
Later a man shows up, looking for her. I tell him that I'll just go check on her and when I do I find something horrific. She's lying collapsed on the ground, a packet of pills in her hand. I freeze. I don't know what to do, I know she's as good as dead. The man comes up behind me and sees her, he runs to her and checks for a pulse, he must be a doctor. I run over to join him and try to clear her airway, her pulse is barely there.  
  
Some more doctors run in and lift her onto the bed. The man seems to be crying, he sits by her side, holding her hand, talking to her.  
  
'Abby, Abby please be alright.'  
  
  
  
(I can't believe you Nell, after everything you've worked for!)  
  
  
  
'Abby, it's gonna be okay, please, please Abby,'  
  
  
  
('Why didn't you tell me? I care about you Nell.')  
  
  
  
'Abby, no Abby, no please no,'  
  
  
  
( 'You don't have to do this to yourself Nell, please don't')  
  
  
  
'Abby no, I love you, Abby no......!' He's crying, we've lost her, she's dead.  
  
  
  
('Nell what are you doing with that knife?'  
  
'Please Mom, it's not what you think.'  
  
'It's exactly what I think, you're not my daughter Nell, not anymore.'  
  
' Please mom, please help me, I need help.'  
  
' You don't need help Nell, you need a psychiatrist. So caught up in those dreams of yours, well guess what Nell, you're not going to be a singer, that's a dream, dreams don't come true. Just give the dream up Nell, give it up.'  
  
'I will mom, I'll give it up. I'll be a doctor, just please help me mom, I need you.'  
  
'Goodbye Nell.' )  
  
***  
  
Strumming my pain with his fingers  
  
Singing my life with his words  
  
Killing me softly with his song  
  
Killing me softly with his song  
  
Telling my whole life with his words  
  
Killing me softly with his song  
  
  
  
He sang as if he knew me  
  
In all my dark despair  
  
And then he looked right through me  
  
As if I wasn't there  
  
But he was there this stranger  
  
Singing clear and strong  
  
Strumming my pain with his fingers  
  
Singing my life with his words  
  
Killing me softly with his song  
  
Killing me softly with his song  
  
Telling my whole life with his words  
  
Killing me softly with his song  
  
*** 


End file.
